The Whoppers
by demikkusu
Summary: Roxas is severely overweight, so his friends stage an intervention to send him to Camp Plumpernugget. There he will meet friends, foes, and learn to eat healthy and exercise along the way. Warnings: Shounen ai, shamelessly making fun of fat people.
1. Chapter 1

Okey dokey, before we begin, let my just start by saying that this fic shamelessly makes fun of fat people. So please don't flame me for that. I warned you, and you read it anyway.

OK, so, while reading this fic please bear in mind that this is CRACK AU. Also, so you understand the story better, Roxas is obese.

Enjoy!

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Roxas was having a bad day.

As in, really bad.

When he woke up, his bed collapsed under his weight as he tried to stand up. Then, he nearly fell over with the effort it took to get into the living room chair. Then halfway through his favorite TV show, the chair broke as well. Then, at lunch time, he couldn't fit into the dining room chair and had to stand. And it was only getting worse. As he squeezed himself into the armchair in front of the television, his mother entered the room.

"Roxas, Olette and Pence are in the Usual Spot eating a Super Special Krispey Kreme Double-Stuff Surprise Choclatey Fudge Coated Lard Cake. Why don't you go down and meet them?"

"Really? That sounds tasty," said Roxas. "Let's go!"

His mom brought in the electric towing machine and scooped Roxas up with it. She drove the machine to the usual spot where all of Roxas' friends along with other residents of Twilight Town were waiting for him.

"What are you all doing here?" asked Roxas.

"Roxas," said Pence. "We are becoming... concerned with your weight problem."

"You're one to talk, fat tits!" said Roxas.

"Roxas, please understand..." began Olette.

"Understand what?" cried Roxas. "I'm only 345 pounds!"

"Roxas, we've decided to send you to a special place called Camp Plumpernugget," said Hayner.

"It's a place were kids learn to eat healthy and exercise, ya know?" said Rai.

"You're sending me to FAT CAMP?!" cried Roxas.

"Yeah. Fat Camp," said Seifer.

"NOOOOOOOOOO!!!" cried Roxas.

"We're sending you off to Camp Plumpernugget tomorrow," said Roxas' mom.

I VI VIII IX

The next day, Roxas was loaded onto a bus with about forty other fat kids. The poor bus was sagging underneath the weight and painstakingly made its way to Camp Plumpernugget. By the end of the trip there were several flat tires and the bus seemed to have dipped several inches in the middle.

When they got off the bus, Roxas looked around at the other kids attending Camp Plumpernugget. The first person he spotted was a tall, grey-haired boy who was actually quite thin- except for his bulging stomach. He also noticed a girl with short black hair and a headband who had what looked like ninja throwing stars attached to her waist. Before he could approach any of them, four men in blue t-shirts and kacky shorts approached the crowd.

"Helloooooooooooooooooooooooo campers!!" cried the blonde in the middle.

"Demyx, do you really need to do that every year?" asked the redhead on Demyx's left. "It makes you sound, like, really gay."

"Gayer than usual," added the man with grayish blue hair on the blonde's right.

"You two are just jealous because you're not in the Winx Club," said Demyx.

"The fact that you watch that show is... frightening," said the redhead.

"Please, Axel, I know you love it," said Zexion. "I've even seen your secret Winx Club doll collection that you keep in a box under your bed."

"Will you guys shut up? We have to greet the guests," said a tall, dark skinned man.

"Fine," said Axel.

"Welcome to Camp Plumpernugget, campers!" said Demyx. "I'm Demyx, and this is Xemnas, Axel and Zexion, your counselors! Are you ready to lose some weight?!"

There was silence in the crowd, with the exception of one fat boy screaming "WHEN DO WE EAT?"

"Soon, campers, soon," said Demyx, who seemed to be doing most of the talking. "But first we have to burn off that bus ride with fun and exercise! So lets go do some warmups!"

Demyx and the other counselors lead the children to the middle of a sunny field, where they started doing stretching exercises. Most of the kids could barely make it around their moobs, let alone their toes, but that wasn't the point.

The counselors then led the campers to a track, where they were to run laps. Most of the kids seemed to be having trouble moving faster than a ladybug. One even passed out from the effort and had to be carried away on a stretcher (which was lifted by two heavy mechanical robot arms)

After two hours of exercise (during which three more fat kids went into cardiac arrest) the counselors announced that it was time for dinner. The fat kids were excited for finally getting their meals. They'd gone THREE HOURS without eating anything. Roxas wasn't used to going more than five minutes without a Krispey Kreme donut or double stuff oreo.

The kids all gathered around the tables, sitting down on the forty-foot wide steel reinforced benches and waiting for their food to be served. The counselors walked to the room and put a plate of food in front of each camper.

Roxas frowned at his plate. Beneath his face was not a large helping of burgers and french fries, but instead a small serving of tofu curry. The campers immediately began to fuss about it, screaming things like "WHAT THE HELL?" and "I WANT MY FUDGE CAKE!"

The counselors, however, were expecting this, as it had happened before.

"Fatasses, you're here to LOSE weight, remember?" said Axel. "If we give you fattening food, it will be totally counterproductive."

The fat kids grumbled about it but stopped shouting.

Roxas looked at who was sitting next to him, the boy with the large stomach from earlier. The boy was scarfing down the curry.

"How can you eat this?" asked Roxas.

"I'm hungry," said the boy.

"Yeah, but it's not like, pizza, or a burger, or something."

"I'm not too into food like that," said the boy, shoveling more of the food into his mouth.

"Then why are you here?" asked Roxas.

"I have my reasons," said the boy. "I'm Riku, by the way."

"I'm Roxas."

Suddenly a loud bell sound rung. Axel was standing in the middle of the room, ringing a large cow bell.

"OK, lardos, time for bed!" cried Axel.

"It's only 8:30!" cried one of the girls.

"Too bad. You're getting up at six tomorrow so you need sleep! Now off to bed, moobs!" cried Axel.

The kids lifted their fat selves from the benches and painstakingly walked into their cabins. The cabins, of course, didn't have bunk beds, in the event that it should break and crush the camper beneath them.

Roxas' titanium-steel bed was right next to Riku's.

"So why are you so fat if you don't eat fatty foods?" asked Roxas.

"That's my business and not yours," said Riku. "Let's just say I came here before and something happened and now I'm here again."

He turned on his side away from Roxas. Roxas sighed, turning away from him as well. The door to the cabin opened as Axel walked in.

"We'll be getting up early to do more exercise, so get some sleep, fat tits," said Axel turning off the lights and leaving the cabin in silence. Roxas sighed, closing his eyes and preparing himself for the day ahead.

* * *

How is it? I hope I didn't offend anyone! And if I did, you can kindly direct your flames to my anus ;D 

Read and review please!


	2. Chapter 2

BRUAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!! IT'S CHAPTER TWO!!

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Roxas awoke the next morning at daybreak to a very unpleasant noise. It was the sound of someone vomiting. Roxas sat up and found that no, he was wrong- it was the sound of Xemnas singing the "Good Morning Campers" song.

"_Good morning our dear campers,_

_It's the rising of the sun,_

_It's time for us to wakey up_

_And time for lots more fun!_

_We'll eat well and exercise,_

_Here at Camp Plumpernugget,_

_We'll run and play sports and games,_

_If you don't like it you can su-"_

By this time, all the campers had gotten up and were ready to go so that they could get away from the horrible singing. They had all dressed up in their Camp Plumpernugget t-shirts and met in the mess hall for breakfast. Again, instead of the bacon, ham, and fried potato they were used to eating for breakfast they had fruit and yogurt. One of the fattest kids passed out from starvation and had to be taken to the hospital.

A man walked alone in a small, dark cave. Well, he wasn't really a man. Not anymore. But regardless, he continued his walk until he found who he was looking for.

There was a woman standing at the back of the cave. Of course, she wasn't any longer a woman, but regardless, there she was.

"Marluxia, what do you want?" asked the woman.

"Larxene, Xigbar called me gay!" complained the man.

"Marluxia, you ARE gay!" said the woman.

"That's not the point! I'm sick of them! We should overturn Organization Testicle and get out of here!"

"K," said Larxene.

Meanwhile, the whoppers were doing jumping jacks, and already two kids had fallen over. Roxas began eavesdropping on the conversation of two girls next to him. He was amazed that they could do jumping jacks and talk at the same time without passing out.

"Have you heard the camp legend?"

"Ooh, which one?"

"Supposedly, last year, there was this really fat chick who had issues with self control."

"Seriously?"

"Yeah. Well, apparently she got so big she couldn't even move, and they couldn't even lift her around with forklifts, she was so heavy. So they put her in the Isolation Cabin and made her throw up to lose weight, but it didn't work. She just got bigger."

"Whoa."

"I know. So then they just gave up and left her there and fed her occasionally, hoping she'd lose weight from lack of food.. But naturally, she got hungry, right? So when the counselors would go to feed her, they'd start to disappear one by one. They say she ate eight of the counselors before entry to the Isolation Cabin was banned."

"Gross!"

"I know!"

Roxas was very intrigued by this idea of a girl even fatter than him. What a prospect! He decided that he would ask Riku about it, as he would most likely know, considering that he'd been here the year before. It was around this time that Roxas began to wonder how Riku could burn all that fat away and then become a lardass only a year later.

Deciding that he would probably ask this question to Riku as well, Roxas was sure he could feel his heart exploding in his chest as he did his twentieth jumping jack. TWENTIETH.

The boy next to him had his moobs slap him in the face, giving him a black eye. So he went to the nurse. The girl who was next to him afterward (whose breasts were significantly smaller than the boy's) had a heart attack and went to the nurse. Then the next boy passed out from hunger and had to go to the nurse.

It was around this time that Roxas realized that if he faked an injury, he could go to the nurse and sit not doing exercise! So he fell over, quickly grasping his ankle. Or at least trying to. But he couldn't quite reach over his fat. Regardless, he got his point across. Axel approached him, looking down at Roxas.

"Get up, fatty," said Axel.

"I hurt my ankle," said Roxas. "I need to go to the nurse."

"Bull," said Axel dismissively. "So it turns out you're not just a jiggling, wabbling, jello-like sack full of lard but a LYING, jiggling, wabbling, jello-like sack full of lard. Now stand up, you fat, sausage-like cow."

Axel walked away and Roxas, defying gravity, manage to pull himself off the ground, taking little note of the small crater that had formed where he fell.

Two hours later it was time for free time. The kids could do whatever they wanted, however- they were not allowed to sit down. One of the previous counselors had installed a system so that if a large concentration of fat (such as a fat kid's buttcheek) came into contact with the ground, it would electrocute them.

So the kids were forced to stand. With the exception of Riku, who was miraculously able to sit down. Roxas went over to him.

"Why can you sit down?" asked Roxas.

"'Cause I'm awesome," said Riku. "And I'm not a fatass like you."

"So," said Roxas, "if you've been here before, why are you here again?"

"Because I got fat again," said Riku, evidently not wishing to speak on the matter any more.

Roxas was becoming frustrated with the boy's rudeness. But he persisted.

"About that camp legend," said Roxas. "About the really, really fat chick who ate the counselors. Is that actually true?"

Riku suddenly jumped up and hit Roxas in the stomach. Of course, he didn't feel it through the fat, but that isn't the point.

"NO!" cried Riku. "It's NOT true! Who told you it was? They were LYING!"

"Dude, calm down..."

"I'M COMPLETELY CALM!" cried Riku. "And I'm definitely NOT getting defensive because that girl along with her sister were two of my friends and I had a bad experience with her in the past!"

Roxas slowly backed away. Well, slow for him anyway. Which would be considered lightning fast for a very, very slow animal. Such as a sloth.

"Larxene," said Marluxia, "it's been almost a year now..."

"Yeah, that's what she said."

"LARXENE! This is SERIOUS! Do you want out of this hell hole or not?"

"Yeah, that's what she said."

"LARXENE! SHUT IT!"

"...she said that too."

"AHH!" cried Marluxia, leaving that section of the cave.

At lunch that day, Roxas decided it would be best to ask a counselor about the fat girl. They'd probably tell him the truth, right?

Well, he decided he wanted to ask Demyx, because Demyx was by far the nicest counselor and probably the one who would be most likely to tell the truth.

Well, his dreams were dashed when he realized that all the counselors sat at a table together. (This table also happened to have regular wooden benches) And Demyx was sitting right across from Axel.

Now, Roxas didn't dislike Axel, but Axel certainly made fun of the whoppers a lot, and made fun of Roxas much more than the other whoppers. And this would most certainly trigger a huge chain reaction within Axel's brain. When thinking about this, Roxas realized that his thoughts didn't make a lot of sense and that he needed to organize them.

Anyway, so Roxas decided that maybe Demyx or one of the others would make Axel shut up.

He was sadly mistaken.

He approached the table and stood next to Demyx.

"Demyx, I need to ask you a question," said Roxas.

"OK, what?" asked Demyx.

"I heard a rumor about some girl who got really, really fat here and ate some of the counselors. Is that true?" asked Roxas.

There was a brief moment of silence.

"Whoa, you two can have this one," said Zexion as he and Xemnas left the room.

There was more silence.

"Of course not, Roxas," said Demyx. "That's just a story we made up to scare the younger campers."

"Demyx, don't lie to the poor pig," said Axel. "Yes, fattie, it is true."

"Axel!" cried Demyx.

"Shut up, he deserves to know," said Axel. "Cheesecake, believe it or not, this chick was even fatter than YOU. No joke. Seriously. We tried every method of fat removal we know- and she just got bigger. So we left her in the Isolation Cabin and drop some food in every couple of weeks. Nobody goes there anymore after Fudgy ate a bunch of the counselors. She's still there, ya know."

Demyx had by this time begun to bang his head repeatedly against the surface of the table. Roxas left the two, making a mental note to find out where the Isolation Cabin was... and maybe find this girl dubbed "Fudgy".

"Larxene, are you ready to talk seriously about this?"

"Yeah, that's what she-"

"GOD DAMMIT LARXENE IF YOU WANT TO OVERTHROW ORGANIZATION TESTICLE WITH ME THEN YOU HAVE TO BE SERIOUS!!"

"...in America!"

"Larxene. I'm seriously. If you don't take this seriously right now, I'm gonna kick you in the nuts!"

"Alright, alright, GOD! Can't you take a JOKE?" Larxene whined.

"Good. So anyway, so it will soon be time, as the child is arriving soon... mmyes..." said Marluxia.

"How's that gonna help? It's going to be an INFANT, stupid," said Larxene.

"Mmyes... haven't you ever seen the Ring?"

"RING?"

"Shut up. Anyway, it's an unnatural birth so the baby will grow up in like, a week," said Marluxia.

"That's pretty hot," said Larxene. "Well, I'm going to go read Yu-Gi-Oh! porn, now, so I'll talk to you later. In AMERICA!"

She then left a baffled Marluxia alone.

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R&R please!


End file.
